It’s a strange thing to find yourself without a daily job, without regular income, after almost fifteen years in the working world.

I don’t miss the hassles of Infuze, but I do miss its mission and purpose and what we tried to do there. And I desperately miss having that outlet to talk about interesting things in pop culture, which is my bread & butter. But more than anything, I miss having a steady, reliable income.

I feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing right now. I feel like God has led me down the path that I’m on. To the best of my ability, I’ve been faithful to the doors that he’s opened before me. And I wouldn’t trade the time I get to spend with Evan by being at home every day for anything.

But money is a finite resource. And sooner or later, it’s going to run out. Mortgage companies, banks, and insurance agencies really don’t appreciate it when that happens.

So I feel like I’m floundering a bit, while I wait on God to come to our rescue. And it’s not like I haven’t been here before. He’s proven himself to me so many times, in situations much like this one. I guess I just still harbor that same fantasy that we all hold onto, that eventually, some day, life is going to get all sorted out, and Karen and I won’t have to worry about money and bills any more.

Are we living dangerously for not having mutual funds and gigantic savings and all that jazz? (Nevermind the fact that we’ve never had enough money for any of that stuff.) I know so many people who have such mastery over finances, who have pension plans and 401k’s and stocks and bonds and savings out the wazoo. And hey, if you’re good at that thing, then more power to you.

But there’s something about the mentality of financial security that’s always struck me as maybe dipping a toe across the line from “responsible” to “paranoid.” If your entire life is built around securing your own safety, what room is there for faith? Where are you allowing God to come in and do something miraculous for you? What if he’s desperate to show you just how big he is and what he can do for you, but you’re holding so tightly to the reins of your life that he never gets the chance?

I have no answers today. Only ponderings while I take care of my little boy (who has a cold this week) and wait on God to show me the way.